It is a very real thing on a daily that I walk into places seeing where I could be helpful or useful because I know what I can do, but then I think “to what end”? It doesn’t grow me, it doesn’t help people that I believe actually need it. In short, it is not a challenge worthy of me, my time, or my talent. Moreover, my work and most of my life happen in predominantly non-POC and non-black spaces, so it leaves me feeling “meh” ALL THE TIME.
However, now I’m part of this group of POC who want to build things and understands and cares about PoC period and isn’t trying to throw them under the bus, I’m down for the cause, but I’m also having to dig into myself and start good work habits again.. I was tired for a long time trying to make things for people who couldn’t see me and I’m awakening to helping people make things that both see me and care about me. It’s hard, but it’s good, too.
I said this today and on many levels I mean it. Most of my time these days is spent walking the valley between me as a person and me to the world as a person and in there, I find that everything is tiring.
Writing paragraphs explaining why racism in games isn’t necessary is tiring. Explaining why it is offensive for twitter or facebook to ban people who say “Men are trash” but not Nazis is tiring.
However, I’m finding more energy with my tribe every day and I’m in a place where I now have work that I am excited to do, but I’m not accustomed to being that giving with my energy or my time except in rare occasions these days.
That said, it’s a nice feeling to have and I hope to have more to share about it.