The last few weeks have been very trying in almost every sense of the word from professional life to personal matters. This weekend in particular was rough in dealing with it.
I’m trying to get balanced in some ways. I’m just… tired. Annoyed with so many things…
So now I’m stuck in this place where I simply must tell people that I don’t want to be bothered with them about anything. I don’t want to be nice, or helpful, or thoughtful, or kind at all. I need to be left alone. Probably for a long while, but I’m not sure yet.
This is personal, but I’m a person, so that’s fine.
I’m pretty sure it’s a clear sign that I need to be more in balance when I am irritated by every little thing and nothing gets resolved. Maybe I’m neglecting my need for solitude (and as I type this, I have a friend in my room which means I’m not alone right now either). I don’t know what the reasons are and I’m close to the point of not caring at all, but not quite there yet.
That brings me to this post.
Yesterday, I was walking with a friend and talking and in the middle of that, some things came up.
- i can’t be a superhero because superheroes never take a thought for themselves. at all. no selfishness is allowed.
- i don’t have to be a superhero to be kind or helpful
- i care too much about everything that happens around me
While I was shopping for jeans and other things in the mall, I thought about these ideas and their applications and I decided that maybe I should forget kindness for a while. It didn’t sit well. Then I thought again about what’s bothering me and decided to allow myself even the more childish end of my thoughts and here’s what I came up with:
- i’m angry. very angry.
- i’m angry because i listen to people and their issues constantly and i’m not often listened to when i need someone to listen.
- i’m angry because the things i am concerned about are not a priority to people that are supposed to be my friends.
- i’m angry because the house is messy and my protests are being ignored or neglected at best.
- i’m angry because i always find myself having to walk alone when i need someone to walk with me most.
- i’m not angry at all, i’m just hurt and that’s a lot worse than being angry. angry goes away after a while. hurt lingers and gets rooted and has to be extricated in a particular way that is usually very uncomfortable.
- no matter how i try to communicate with people about my feelings, i can’t make them understand. i either say too little or too much and either way, i’m always asked to explain myself multiple times. context doesn’t matter because people don’t pay attention to it or most things going on around them as much as i do and even if they do, they don’t recall it as well as i do.
All of this is going somewhere, but I don’t know where that is, but I do know that it needs to be balanced when I get there. I don’t need to have even amounts of everything, but I need to have just the right amount of things to keep me upright and that’s very hard right now. I always feel on edge these days. Always like I’m standing at the end of a cliff. Always one moment away from breaking in a way that I feel won’t be reparable.
I just hope that things don’t become as bad as I’ve dreamt if it happens.