My last post here was two years ago and I’ve spent that time in the throes of an ongoing pandemic during which I had nothing to do but be in my own company.
However, those two years were also a time that let other people be their own company and that came with a lot of grief. People who ended up on the wrong side of simple human rights issues, ongoing conversations and traumatic imagery of racism, anti-semitism, anti-LGBTQIA+ sentiments, and all while being expected to clock into work every day and set that aside so I can get emails and charts done on time.
My days are interspersed with talking to people about social issues, gaming, and generally talking about the many ways available to us to not be trash humans. Some days, those conversations are invigorating and I learn a lot. Most times, it feels like I’m having to plead with people to look at other people and consider that their lives are also important. That other humans are actually humans and not subhumans to be written into or out of policies, laws, and beyond.
It has been and is currently the reason I have had to end more friendships than I start. I’m in heavy consideration of ending a friendship at the time of this writing and to be clear, the consideration is when the friendship ends rather than if.
That is sad.
That is sad at any age, but I’m 41 now and in my case, that means that these moments of choosing to stay or go represent years of time. For this one, we’re looking at a decade. Those are the kinds of decisions I’m making about my relationships over things like whether my fellow trans humans should be allowed to exist and whether or not children should be subject to abuse and whether or not we should consider what to do with regard to gun laws among other things.
A lot of good happened, tho.
I moved to another state and went through the trials and tribulations that came with that. The seeds of new friendships have been planted and watered. I enjoy my new space and not having roommates for the first time in many years. I’m a walkable distance from groceries stores, department stores, and the nail salon. I have large windows that get plenty of sunlight during the late afternoon. I have a job role that makes me happy and a team I am happy to be on as I perform that role. I signed up for a sign language class that was fantastic!
I have friends I can leave my keys with in safety and let them care for my cat. I am surrounded by far more joy that I can call on when the days are hard. I’m learning more about myself and becoming more accepting of others and it feels nice to have people continue being themselves around me uninhibited. Love has found me and I enjoy it.
I am – while still becoming – the person I wish to be and I am pleased with everything about that except maybe not having abs.
Among all of these joys is the joy of writing and sharing my thoughts and experiences with others and that’s why you’re reading this. I’m still figuring out what consistency and time are going to look like, but what I’m learning is that at every stage and age, that sometimes now is enough and I’m going to let now be enough today.
See you on the next one 👋🏾